For the Church to Be a Home for the Fatherless

Summary of Church of the Fatherless: A Ministry Model for Society’s Most Pressing Problem by Mark E. Strong. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity, pp. 183., $15.00, paper.

In defining the problem his book seeks to explore and find answers to, Mark E. Strong states, “Gone are the days when it was ‘normal’ for a child to grow up with both parents in the home . . . a figment of an imagination rooted in antiquity” (10). This is a growing pattern and many people continue to deal with the “issues inherent in fatherlessness” (11). Yes, while a father may be present, he may still lack the skills necessary to be a competent father (of which Strong names: the right temperament, an ability to teach about life and God, to equip children to function effectively in society, to discipline in a way that doesn’t destroy the child, to live in an exemplary way, and to have a strong marriage). The church, as “God’s redemptive agent in the community,” must respond to this issue. Strong sets forth three goals in his book, which I attempt to reflect as I summarize its material: (1) to help pastors/leaders gain a deeper understanding of the issues surrounding fatherlessness, (2) to share practical ways a ministry can serve the fatherless, and (3) to inspire readers to be a part of God’s answer to fill the fatherless void (13). It is not an option, but a biblical charge and a mandate (cf. Ps 68:5; Jas 1:27).

Part 1: Understanding the Problem

In his first chapter, Strong appeals to a Newsweek Article “Father, Where Art Thou,” a story of seventeen-year-old sniper Lee Malvo. Having grown up with an absentee father, Malvo “attach[ed] himself to John Allen Muhammad—a lethal father figure” (18). Fifty years ago death was the major contributor to father absenteeism; today, a host of other factors are added to premature death. He explores the following:

1.      A Historical Cause: World War II. This war changed the lives of countless families. In 1943, fathers became necessary to draft in order to fill quotas; around 3-4 million were killed in combat and others were never able to readjust to family life. African American families bore the heaviest impact, having been “weakened by slavery, sharecropping, and the northern migration… to urban sprawls” (21). This strain was felt in lack of housing and desirable jobs, creating economic inequality and a slope towards divorces, unwed pregnancies, and reliance on welfare.

2.      Voluntary Father Absenteeism. This is often very hard for children to cope with, unlike death in war where a child can properly grieve. There may be a plethora of “psychological ramifications on the child (self-blame, anxiety, resentment, etc.)” (23-4). Factors contributing to this voluntary absenteeism include: employment issues, dysfunctional relationship with child’s mother, addiction, welfare policies, no commitment to marriage, life frustration, generational patterns, and selfishness.

3.      The Media. Media can tend to “portray fathers as less than central to the parenting process” (26). He calls this the “myth of the useless father.” He notes a few of the many voices in today’s media.

4.      The Decline of Marriage. He notes that marriage is the cultural institution designed to create ties between a father and his children. Among African Americans, researchers M. Belinda Tucker and Claudia Mitchell-Kernan suggest three causal factors in decline of marriage: mate availability, marital feasibility, and desirability of marriage (29). “The problem…is that black men in relationship to black women cannot, a great majority of the time, deliver the ‘American dream’” (30). Instead, these men can feel “powerless, moneyless, frustration” (ibid). For men and women, the normative imperative to get married has changed.

5.      The Pervasiveness of Divorce. Our culture is one that embraces divorce, even celebrates it. Yet, its effect on children—as fathers are often significantly more distant from their children as a result—is stark.

6.      The Increase of Single Motherhood. Strong suggests, “One of the by-products of slavery is the single mother and the absent father …[and] patterns etched over two centuries are hard to break. When you add other factors such as economics, education, socialization, racism and sin, the cycle is even more difficult to break” (34-5).

7.      Work. A workaholic father can create the image of a father, who comes home to eat and sleep, in the mind of his children. This is a growing marker of our society.

8.      The Father’s Relationship with the Child’s Mother. There are three types of relationships, Jennifer Hamer suggests, that can exist between a mother and nonresident father: friendly, intimate, and antagonistic. The mother is the “gatekeeper, inhibiting or encouraging the role of father in the child’s experience” (37).

9.      Teen Pregnancy. For teen mothers who give birth, they are normally left with all the weight of caring for the child, as the father exits the picture. Poverty is the natural consequence of act of abandonment.

10.  Incarceration. Being incarcerated makes fathering a near impossible task. Finding employment and the reintegration process on the other end of the sentence add pressure to this situation.

Next to be explored relates to the impact of the above factors on the children. While many children having grown up without fathers have done very well psychologically, socially, and economically, “all miss out on needed blessing when a father isn’t present” (41). So, while not deterministic, Strong lists several identifiable problems and risks, the fatherless face—and must grapple with in order to lead a healthy life (42). Each of these examples was connected to real stories and real statistics (lots of real stories with patterns).

1.      Pain. Among these, Strong includes: rejection, abandonment, disappointment, emptiness, and, finally, hopelessness (43). Robert McGee “defines father hunger as emptiness, an unfulfilled desire, a gnawing deep within one’s spirit and a continual craving to experience love from one’s father” (44). 

2.      Poverty. “Statistics show that single female-headed homes are at a greater risk of poverty than the rest of the general population” (46). The divorced woman has substantially less income than before and half her support network. In 2007 only 62-64% of child support money was collected. Also, vicious cycles of illness can follow those in poverty.

3.      Teen Pregnancy. Many young women with a father hunger can begin to medicate this pain with relationships and intimacy. If a young man leaves her, her trust in men may also be destroyed. Studies show that young women are especially prone to this pattern.

4.      Crime and Violence. While a father has the ability to “teach his [son] empathy, respect, and wholesome social values” (52), researcher Lee Beaty suggests that if a father leaves before his son turns five, these men can “tend to be more dependent on their peers and more ambiguous about masculinity, to disfavor competitive games and sports, and to engage in more aggressive behavior toward females” (53).

5.      Education. Fathers have the ability to remove many of the obstacles a child may face in the educational process, including emotional, disciplinary, and financial. Not having a father around can “move a child’s concentration from the classroom to trying to solve adult problems in an adult world—problems she or he has no power to change” (54).

6.      Mother-Child Relationship. For mothers, “the economic hardship and insecurity of single motherhood can bring on depression and psychological distress” (McLanahan, 56). This added burden does affect a child’s relationship with the mother, as her “time, energy, and spirit [is] stretched thin” (ibid).

Next Strong discusses what might be done to help this problem.

Part 2: How Can We Help the Fatherless?

1.      Embedding a Corporate Fatherless Value. In this chapter he uses the image of a “security” blanket that his dad had kept from his college years. To him and his siblings it was reminiscent of childhood stories and emotional closeness to their dad; and it became important when their dad went on business trips. The woven-ness of the blanket is also a metaphor for the value of care for the fatherless in the life of an entire ministry. From God’s point of view care for the fatherless is a matter of justice (def: “acceptable and adequate behavior, which was metered by God’s standards as revealed through the Law and the Prophets”), rather than simply compassion (cf. Deut 10:18).

He gives three examples of how this can be done: (1) Create an awareness of the value, (2) create avenues for ministry, and (3) give awards. In other words, communicate the value—educating, writing a value statement, and then thinking tangibly. Think about the existing ministries you have and how these values can be woven into the group in specific ways. Then, “celebrate the progress” of individuals and ministries in private and then in public. This does more than just validate a person; it reinforces the value and clarifies the message.

2.      Getting the Message Out. Reflecting on Romans 10:14-15, “And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent?,” Strong suggests that someone (perhaps the pastor) must embrace the task of communicating the issues of and solutions to fatherless within the church in the following ways: preaching (he includes a seven week sermon outline), personal conversations, personal testimonies given in church, projects, and publications. “The goal [of getting the message out] is not overload, but beaming enough light to create a healthy awareness” (85). 

3.      Equipping Men to Be Fathers. There is a multiplicity of roles and responsibilities a father must live into in order to be a successful father. Using the Old (First) and New Testament precedents of the role of father, Strong suggests nine attributes and responsibilities of fathers, which directly correspond to the needs of their children. He writes, “[T]he Scriptures clearly articulate the attributes a father should possess, and they show the responsibilities he is to fulfill in the life of his children” (95). In order to equip men to be good fathers, these areas should remain in focus: equipping men to be loving fathers, to be moral guides, to assume full responsibility, to be providers, to teach basic life skills, to aid their children in spiritual growth, to set appropriate boundaries, to live a Christ-centered life before their children, and to honor the child’s mother. In order to create a strategy for implementing these, one doesn’t have to become overwhelmed. “Keep it simple and make it fun” (101).

4.      Mentoring the Fatherless. After telling a touching story of a young man named Jay—who, because of his tumultuous upbringing, was societally branded as hopeless and doomed for failure, and except for the guidance of his mentor, John, he might of accepted that “fate”; however contrary to what everyone expected, he would continue to work hard and to graduate high school—Strong makes a case for the biblical model and necessity of mentoring the fatherless in the faith. Mentoring facilitates surrogate fathering, whereby one person empowers another by sharing God-give resources. He writes, “It’s not enough to be sentimentally sorry; action is required to help alleviate some of the suffering a young person experiences due to the absence of parents—primarily a father. This care for orphans—including those in one-parent homes—is an expectation and responsibility assigned to the community of faith” (105). The benefits he lists include: aid[ing] in the mentee’s character formation, help[ing] mentees to set and accomplish goals, and grow[ing] the mentor. Strong suggests that in order for mentoring to be successful, it must be simple and have an intentional direction. He also includes a few excellent mentoring programs, which include: The Mentoring Project, 11:45, and Life Changers.

5.      Praying for the Children. Strong urges, “God’s heart is tender towards the fatherless, and He will graciously answer us as we pray” (129). As the Spirit is interceding for on our behalf and Jesus is our eternal High Priest, prayer appeals to and has the power of something greater than ourselves. Prayer should be offered for individuals who are fatherless, for those God will use to minister to the fatherless, and to prevent future fatherlessness from occurring. Through prayer, the ones praying are also transformed. In both personal and corporate prayer, those who are fatherless should be upheld in prayer.

6.      God Our Father. Opening this chapter, Strong tells Jamie’s story of pain, a hardened heart, and eventual forgiveness of her dad, who struggled with alcohol addiction. Many people, like Jamie, “…have a tendency to define God as father by anthropology, culture or our personal experiences with our fathers… instead of through biblical theology” (132). In the OT, God is both disciplinarian and full of tender mercy. He is metaphorically described as a mother, who has born Israel with great travail (Isaiah 42:14). He is both faithful and just; he longs to be gracious. In the NT, Jesus reveals the Father to be deeply personal in both the Lord’s Prayer (as Abba) and his own life and ministry. Paul writes about every believer’s status as an adopted child of the Father “culminating in the witness and work of the Spirit” (141). Further, Father is used liturgically, “in the giving of thanks (1 Thess 1:2-3), in the making of an oath (2 Cor 11:31), as an acclamation (Phil 2:11), for intercession (1 Thess 3:11-13), as a benediction (Rom 15:6), in a baptismal liturgy (Rom 6:4), and as a creed (1 Cor 8:6; 15:24)” (141). The chapter ends with a hopeful challenge: to “work with God to remove the blinders” of those affected by fatherlessness to see God as: lving, merciful, forgiving, nurturing, healing, providing, understanding, validating, protecting, patient, disciplining, knowing, trustworthy, righteous, and present (144).

7.      The Healing Path. “In his book Father Wounds, Recovering Your Childhood, [Francis] Anfuso defines a father wound: ‘The truth is you and I are wired for perfect love. God is the father we always wanted; the perfect Dad each of us desires and needs. Anything modeled by our earthly parents that misses the mark of God’s perfect selfless love can create a father wound” (147). Strong asserts that from his pastoral experience, through prayer, counsel, and support, pain can be eased and these wounds described above can be healed. One must admit the pain, forgive (he explains how one can forgive), receive acceptance/validation, find a place of support, and embrace God.

8.      How Do I Get Started? It is easy to be overwhelmed with the mess and grandeur of fatherlessness. “Ministry to the fatherless is not a sprint, but a marathon” (163). From his own heart and experience he suggests: to begin, (Zech 4:10), be encouraged (Josh 1:9; Gal 6:9), be connected (Eccles 4:9-12), be equipped (2 Tim 2:15), be thankful (1 Tim 1:12-14), be joyful (Neh 8:10), be smart (Ex 33:14), be tenacious (Phil 3:12-14), be prayerful (Phil 4:6-7), and believe, i.e. have faith (Jn 11:40).

Prayer for the Fatherless (p. 162)

Father, today I ask that you would pull back the layers of pain caused by the careless hands of earthly fathers. Pour oil into the wounded and broken places in the hearts of little boys and little girls—both young and old. Fill their being with the warmth of your love. Obliterate the darkness and scattered dreams of days, months and years of unfulfilled expectations. Allow them to find a home in your fatherly embrace. When they feel alone, let them know and experience your presence. Father, speak loudly into their hearts: You are my child and I love you. Assure them of your plan for their lives, your plan to give them a hope and future. Let them know that they have a good Father—You. Amen!